The one in which I use heavy handed verbiage to lull my readers to sleep

Why can't I just opt out of Christmas? I have no spirit and no money with which to replace it. I also have no faith. A long time ago I did have faith, and a framework in which to practice it but that's gone. I gave birth to a son and raised him as a commercialist within the dogma of consumerism and later married a Catholic. So no matter the reason, Christmas is a presence in this house. It's only ephermeral and not corporeal yet because there simply isn't any money to throw at it. I lie in bed at night thinking about how much I suck as a person because I've let the stress of my poor health, my lack of an income and my crappy choices ruin what is important to my family. I want to cry because I can't give anything to anybody, much less myself.
THERE ARE NO QUICK ANSWERS.
I may go out and get a real job in the next week but that leaves the running of the business squarely on my mother's shoulders and I can tell you that isn't going to relieve my stress.
Got all that off my chest. No conclusions were reached but maybe I CAN SLEEP NOW.